Yes, this means I live in denial. I hate admitting I'm wrong, ESPECIALLY when I AM wrong. I also hate being bad at things, not being able to do things well, not knowing how to do things. All of this translates into "Jess, you suck at life."
This house is a good example. The simplest things are really not that simple at all. Mudding a crack, for instance, is not just about locating said crack and smearing on some mud and letting it dry. No. As a matter of fact, you must locate said crack, smear on a thick yet even coat of mud, let dry, sand down ALMOST to the wall yet not quite while using the proper grit sand paper, clean off dust completely, REMUD yet again only this time a much thinner coat, still even, AND SAND IT AGAIN. This task is continued until perfection.
I. AM. NOT. PERFECT.
Failure Dos: Zoloft is back in my life. Why I see this as a failure is beyond me when in all reality I know that it is a very smart decision. Being off of it was refreshing and a relief... not so much for Matt or anyone else in my life. So, instead of the usual 100mg, I've started back up taking 50mg a day and have seen major changes. Ideally, I will continue this for quite some time and eventually cut the dosage back even more. <<No Doctor comments needed. I know what I'm doing is not appropriate.>>
So this begs the question why. Why do I see these sorts of things as failures? They aren't failures. They are new learnings, new discoveries, new ways to live life, new outlooks, new relationships. Regardless, in my mind they are failures and I need to work on seeing it all differently.
“Trying to be perfect may be inevitable for people who are smart and ambitious and interested in the world and its good opinion...What is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.”
― Anna Quindlen
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