Confessions of a First Time Momma-to-Be... Part 17

All I can say is that you aren't even born and you are shocking me, impressing me, melting me.

On November 11th, your daddy and I volunteered at Lorain County Community College to allow the students to practice ultrasound on my belly (you!).  At that point, I was 34 weeks pregnant with you, little man.  As the student started taking measurements, your belly measured at 39 weeks, your head measured at 37 weeks and your femur measured at 38 weeks - Baby Z, they estimated your weight to be 6.5 pounds (average for 34 weeks is about 4 pounds!).  Mom was shocked, dad was thrilled. But, as you'll learn eventually, there is an explanation for everything.  It was possible that you were in such a strange position that the readings were inaccurate.  The teacher decided to take her own measurements in the unlikely event that the student was measuring incorrectly.  Her results were the same as the students.  She recommended we call our doctor and see if she'd like to conduct an 'official' growth scan. Dr. Karth and Dr. Salah did.

Fast forward one week.  Dr. Salah conducts the official growth scan.  You are now measuring at 40 weeks for almost everything (your femur was at 39 weeks) and the estimated weight for you, little buddy, was 7.5 pounds.  Here are the rest of the stats:

Your original due date has been (and still is) December 20, 2015 and your gestational age is how far along mommy is.  Today, you are 36 weeks and 1 day.
With the new measurements, your gestatational age was at 40 weeks and the estimated due date is December 4, 2015.  The doctor will not change your due date BUT... you are measuring ahead in all aspects.  We go in today to see if there has been any progress.

Contractions started over this weekend which means my body is preparing to bring you into the world.  We can't wait to meet you.  It feels like you're never going to get here - we are so excited to look into your eyes, to hold your tiny (or not so tiny) body, to kiss your fingers and toes and to, for the first time in our lives, know what it's like to love something with more than we knew we were capable of.  We already love you more than words can ever express but I promise you this: love only continues to grow and the minute we get to meet you will be the first day of the rest of our lives; of loving someone so wholly and fully; of putting a small little man ahead of anything and everything we've ever wanted for ourselves because you, my son, are the most important thing in our world.

Your daddy has been spending his nights and weekends working to make sure we have everything ready for your arrival.  I hope that you take after him in so many ways and learn how to be a man from him; I hope you look up to him and I hope, in turn, he looks up to you and learns from you.  There are no limits for you - only the limits you place on yourself.

As we get closer to meeting you, I'll tell you that I'm scared. Scared because your life is in my hands; scared because I'm responsible to teach you and lead you and be an example for you.  But I'm also full of wonder and hope.  Seeing you grow up will be hard but probably the most rewarding thing I do in life.  I can't wait for the ups and the downs; the long nights staying up with you as a newborn; the long nights staying up with your dad, worried about where you are and what friends you're hanging out with.  I can't wait to see who you are, who you become, what you love, what you hate.  I can't wait to find out which parts of you are me, which parts of you are daddy, and which parts of you are, well, you.

We just. can't. wait. 

A backwards life moving forward... no way!

A weekend getaway in Yellow Springs held a lot of promises: reminiscing about our rekindled relationship 5 years prior, "decorative water holders," and some seriously quality people watching.

Reminiscing: check
Decorative Water Holder look out: check
People watching: check and check some more

But it was so much more than that. Special in every possible way.

It wasn't the ring.  It was what he said, how he said it, how he did it, what he meant and what the ring symbolizes. The commitment to each other is more valuable than anything else.

I will remember this moment for the rest of my life.  October 10, 2015

Instead of asking me to marry him, he asked me a question that's even more important than that: will you spend the rest of your life with me? 

Matthew, you are my world. My partner.  My everything.  The answer was, is and always will be yes!  Always know that while this ring symbolizes your commitment to me, our relationship and our family, I will only wear it with pride because I share the same commitment to you.  

My hopes for you and I

1. We find beauty in our wrinkles as we do in each other's smiles

2. We never forget to laugh and always know we can cry

3. We fight because we are fighting for a better us

4. We are always, always, always looking to be better individuals, partners and parents

5. We remember nothing is perfect, but what we have is perfect in it's own way

6. We learn from our struggles and come out better because of them

7. We never give up on ourselves or each other

With the fullest heart I could possibly have, thank you for making me feel so special, this weekend specifically but every day, too. 

Confessions of a First Time Momma-To-Be Part Tres

My little man...

A month or two ago your daddy and I went out and on our way home, we noticed a little grasshopper hanging out on the windshield.  He had a broken leg and was pulling it along with him wherever he went.  <<Eventually you'll know this about me but...I'm not a huge fan of bugs. Don't get me wrong, I'm not terrified of them but they don't give me the warm fuzzies either.>> So for this reason, I have NO idea why this little grasshopper bothered me so much. Maybe it was because he was hurt and I didn't know if he was in pain or not.  Can grasshoppers even feel pain? It could have been because he was alone. OR, and most logically, it was probably because of the hormones surfing through my body at any given moment.

Okay, okay, fast forward to a week or so ago.  On August 1st, your new baby cousin had a major scare when she was born.  It was heartbreaking, horrific, incredibly scary and extremely exhausting. BUT, she ia one tough cookie and is home, safe and sound, with your Aunt and Uncle.

On that very same day, a tiny grasshopper crawled out of the car vent and started walking across my windshield.  It stopped me dead in my tracks.  Could it possibly be the same grasshopper from a few months back? 

No, I MUST be losing my mind.  This is what they mean by 'baby brain.'

Here's another lesson for you about mommy: she struggles with the concept of religion and belief in many things that are out of her control so believing that this grasshopper was the SAME grasshopper and sent here to deliver me a message is truly out of the realm of possibilities... but here we are.

So why do I feel like this little green guy on my windshield was a sign? A sign of new life, of revitalization, of health, of strength, of mending oneself?  This little guy told me deep down that your cousin Mia was going to be okay.  And directly related to that, seeing him gave me comfort in knowing that you are going to be okay too.

Remember that you are ALWAYS stronger than you think.

Remember that life always has a way of surprising you.

Remember that even in the bad, hopeless moments, something great can happen.

And don't ever forget that even a little green grasshopper can make a huge impact.


You're 21 weeks, 6 days today, kicking me like crazy, weighing about 13 oz. and measuring like a 10.5" banana.  Keep growing, my little 'hopper, you can never know how incredible it is to feel you moving, growing, developing.

XoXo,

Mommy

Confessions of a First-Time-Momma-To-Be Part 2

Sweet baby Zimmerman, you have no idea what you've done to us already.

You are a mere 18 weeks and you've already made me catch my breath a few times now.

Saturday, your daddy and I went to the Lake Erie Crushers game with your grandma and grandpa.  (Oh, little ZBug, you could not possibly know how excited those two are to meet you!)  Grandma was talking to me about who-knows-what.  Why can't I remember what she was saying? Because right then, in the hard plastic bleachers, as she was talking and fans were cheering, you moved. Not just once... you kept moving.  And this time it wasn't the "millions of little bubbles" that I had felt before. No, this time it was YOU.  It was a little tiny 5.6" YOU moving, turning, twisting, kicking... YOU.

The world just stopped for me.  Right there, amongst all of the chaos, all I knew was you.  Your daddy was excited too - he can't wait to be able to feel you moving in there! Keep it up, little one, those little movements will be what brings me to my knees; what makes me stop and take everything in; they'll be the things that remind me of what's important (and what's not); every little kick and punch is a reminder of YOU, our little blessing that's growing bigger each and every day.

We'll see you this Friday - it's (y)our anatomy appointment.  Will we find out if you're going to be a little he or a little she? It won't matter either way - you are loved more than you can ever know, will ever know.

Love,

Mommy

Confessions of a First-Time-Momma-To-Be

Let me start by saying this is not a solicitation for advice.  Those of you close to me know that I have absolutely no interest in unsolicited advice so please, kindly, take this for what it is - a simple blog to share emotions, laughter, fears and entertainment.  Should I need advice, and trust me you, I will, I'll reach out. Until then... mums the word, got it?


Confessions of the first trimester:

1. Kid, you scare the bejeezus out of me.  When that little test said 'Pregnant 3+ Weeks'... oh... my... I've never known a human can feel both absolute terror and pure joy at the same time.

2. Again, you scare me, a lot. You are made up of little pieces of me and little pieces of your daddy.  That's it.  Which means you are going to be stubborn, strong-willed, spontaneous, fierce, loving, caring, emotional, bold, temperamental, intelligent and so much more.

3. I don't know you yet and most days I can't even tell you're in there but your daddy does and he gives you a kiss every single night <3

4. You've already managed to bring out the crazy in me.  The hormone train is here and it's not going anywhere!

5.  You are the luckiest 14-week-old fetus ever.  Your uncles have been tirelessly helping us get the house in order just for your arrival!

6. You've made me realize just how thankful I am to have insurance, whether it's the best insurance or not.  One ultrasound cost $1,656.  $0 of that was billed to me.

7. You have so many friends already! Gutschmidt's little one is due any day, Emily shortly thereafter and Erin just two months before you! How exciting to be able to share a time like this with friends and family?

8. The first trimester went way too fast.  Granted, we didn't find out about you until 6 weeks in but still! And guess what? In about 5.5 weeks, we'll be half way through this amazing journey we're on together.

Here's too many many many more amazing journeys we'll share...

Welcome to my life, baby Zbug. Welcome. to. my life.

12w4d

The Older You Get

Does it strike anyone else that the older we get, the closer we are to evil and madness?

When I was 10 (guessing here. I truly don’t even remember being 10.), I wouldn’t call myself invincible or naive but I truly didn’t think the bad in the world would get to me.  All of the horrible things you see on TV, in the movies, in the news: none of those would ever be a part of my life.

And yet, as I got older, maybe 16 or so, it became more and more clear that perhaps these things can touch my life. Maybe they will enter into my own world. I think I was 16 when I got into my first accident. Not a big deal, a simple fender bender.  At the time, I wasn’t scared, and today I’m still not scared for my 16 year old self. Thinking back to my accident a few months ago with the semi truck, you better believe I was and am scared to death.

But now that I’m 28, pardon my french, “shit’s gettin’ real.”

I feel suffocated by the news; the insane amount of plane crashes, the horrible accidents all around and most shocking of all, while we were on vacation the following places within less than 5 miles of our own home were evacuated: the City of Bay Village, Marc’s of North Olmsted, Great Northern Mall.

Quite LITERALLY, the evil is closing in on me.

On Monday, I was given horrific news about someone in my circle.  It was straight out of a Lifetime movie. The details aren’t what matters here.  What matters is the fact that even to this very day, I NEVER thought I would have someone in my life affected by something so horrific.  And yet, it happened. Simple as that. The news was given to me as if someone was saying “good morning.” And just like that, they walked away. Because what can you say? What can you do? You pass along the information and the burden is mine.

We can all try to be better people, better friends, better partners, better sons/daughters/cousins, etc. What we can’t do is control what comes at us; the unexpected; the unplanned; the truly (im)possible.  Those are the things that threaten to break me. The things I let seep into my heart, my head and control my actions and my thoughts. I take on other burdens; I don’t know why and I don’t wish that I didn’t.  But how, then, does one control the effect these burdens have on your own self? How do you take it all in, keep what you learn and rid yourself of what hurts?

I haven’t found that answer. I’m searching. I’ve been searching for some time now. I think the answer, in it’s most simplest form, is this: control what you can and battle what you can’t.

Figured it out.

Somewhere over Christmas break I quickly found out I didn't have a brother anymore.

I thought about writing more about this but I realized it just isn't worth it; it can't be worth my time or my attention any longer.

And thus...

There have been some GREAT things happening lately and yet it's so easy to get caught up in the monotony of everyday bitching and moaning to not even give these things a second thought.

Holly brought Baby Go into this world a few weeks ago- she's healthy, a tiny little nugget and beautiful from head to toe.  She has long toes, a short little body and the most precious little lips one can imagine.  Her daddy is beyond in love with her (he's screwed- that little girl is going to have him playing 'tea party' and barbies before he knows it).  Her mommy has managed to have her second child without losing her sanity. She is a rockstar. THEY are rockstars.

I can't wait to have my own little one some day. I can only hope that when that day comes I have some of the senses these two do.  They've been able to manage their money to ensure they can provide for both Mr. Jackson and Baby Go. They love each other beyond comprehension and their children just as much.  They build snowmen and legos and in the future, when Baby Go is bigger, they'll dance around in tutus and call her princess. This is what makes a family.  They are beautiful in every sense of the word and I love that I can call them my friends and my family:

Hijacked from Mr. Rigo's Facebook. Sue me.

Then we have Schmidty. This woman... I just don't know where to start.  What I'll say is this: she has been through it all and she FINALLY has a growing belly to show for it.  She's going to be an incredible mom - the fire in this girl, the strength she has and the intelligence bottled up inside of her - this little one is in for an amazing life. Whomever Little G becomes; a he or a she, a ballet dancer or a rockstar, an introvert or an extrovert; you better believe Little G has a life full of adventure, excitement, loving parents, and an amazing family ahead of him or her.


I'm so happy for you guys-- <3